Dateline: 02/02/00 Valentine's Day is almost here, and I thought the men (women too) would appreciate a guide to what NOT to do or buy for their wife, girlfriend, or lover. Chances are your special mate has already dropped you tons of hints, if you were listening closely, but if not, follow these simple rules and your life will be extremely easier. 1. Never, and I mean never, buy an electrical appliance or tool for Valentine's Day. This rule also applies to other holidays, such as Birthday's, Mother's Day, and Christmas. Simply put, if it plugs in or runs on batteries don't buy it. 2. If you're contemplating clothing, including lingerie, make sure you know her size. If you buy it too small, she'll think she's too fat. If you buy it too big, she'll think you think she's too fat. 3. Don't give her money and tell her to buy what she wants. I believe there's a movement to make this one grounds for a divorce. Oh, she'll spend the money, but you won't get credit for the present. Now you can take her shopping, but never just hand her a credit card and send her off on her own. 4. Don't get anyone else to buy the present for you. There is an invisible network of women, and somehow someday she will find out and you will pay dearly. 5. Don't be late with the present. Make sure whatever you do or give her, gets there in time. With the commercialization of our holidays, "I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day" doesn't wash. They have had Valentine's stuff on the shelves since the day after Christmas. 6. Don't turn the television or computer on. Spend some time with your loved one. Women enjoy talking and sharing. Give her your undivided attention and if there's some game or sport on TV, tape it to watch another day, and don't sulk about it. Most women have the uncanny ability to read your mind or to think they can. 7. Cards-Romantic or Humorous? This advice comes straight from a man. "Men don't read cards. We could really care less what they say. The first line tells you if it's mushy enough or not. Men DO read humorous cards. So if you get a humorous card from a man AT LEAST HE SPENT THE TIME TO READ IT AND REALLY PICK ONE OUT. So, just tell them men to pick out a mushy card like they always do (without reading and without any thought other than...yup..looks mushy..she'll love it")."I wouldn't have quite put it that way, but you get the idea. Remember, when all else fails...candy, flowers and perfume are good. That about sums it up. Follow these few guidelines, and you might enjoy Valentine's Day as much as she does.