If you’ve ever had the misfortune of commuting on the Long Island Expressway (LIE), you know that time slows to a crawl, brake lights become a second sun, and radio stations cycle through the same five songs before you even hit Exit 49. It’s a rite of passage for Long Islanders—the endless gridlock, the frustration, the existential crisis in your car as you wonder, Why did I ever leave the house?
But if there’s one thing that can unite us in these never-ending traffic woes, it’s bagels.
Welcome to the Most Long Island Argument Ever
A new political cartoon, now featured on LongIsland.com, hilariously captures the true spirit of Long Island commuters. Sure, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the “World’s Longest Parking Lot” (a.k.a. the LIE), but that doesn’t stop us from passionately debating the most important topic of all—which bagel shop reigns supreme.
In the cartoon, drivers sit in their cars, honking, waiting, and shouting out their votes for the best bagel joint on the Island. Some swear by Bagel Boss, while others insist Seaford Bagels takes the crown. A die-hard North Shore resident screams, “Nothing beats Goldberg’s!” while a defiant driver from Montauk yells back, “You haven’t lived until you’ve had Hampton Bagels!”
Meanwhile, an ironic green highway sign in the background reads:
🛑 LIE: EXPECT DELAYS FOREVER.
No truer words have ever been spoken.
Why We Can’t Escape the LIE (or Our Love for Bagels)
The LIE is more than just a road; it’s a way of life. Whether you’re trying to make it to a 9 AM meeting in Melville or just picking up Grandma from the airport, one thing is certain—you’ll be late. It’s a cruel joke that every GPS lies to us, promising a “45-minute drive” that magically stretches into an hour and a half (or two, if there’s an accident near Exit 57).
But bagels? Bagels are the great equalizer. They are our fuel, our comfort, our heritage. No matter how divided we may be—North Shore vs. South Shore, Mets fans vs. Yankees fans, people who say “Lawn Guyland” vs. those who pretend they don’t—we all have a strong opinion on bagels.
And if we’re going to be stuck in traffic for eternity, we might as well use the time wisely—debating the fluffiness of an everything bagel versus the chewiness of a sesame.
A True Long Island Survival Guide: Traffic & Bagels Edition
Since we’re clearly doomed to an eternity of LIE traffic, here are some pro tips on how to survive the chaos:
- Stock up on carbs. You never know when a "quick errand" will turn into a four-hour traffic nightmare, so keep a bag of bagels in the car. Emergency sesame bagels can prevent road rage.
- Choose your bagel wisely. If you’re driving east, bagels from Nassau County just won’t hold up. Always plan your purchases with geography in mind.
- Learn how to debate like a true Long Islander. A good bagel argument should be passionate but respectful—unless someone tries to tell you Connecticut bagels are better. That’s grounds for exile.
- Stay hydrated. Wash down that bagel with an extra-large coffee—or risk nodding off while waiting for the LIE to inch forward.
- Embrace the absurdity. We live in one of the most expensive places in the country, yet we can’t get from Queens to Suffolk without contemplating our life choices. Laugh about it—it’s all we’ve got.
Bagels & Traffic: Two Things That Will Never Change
Long Islanders may never agree on politics, taxes, or whether Jones Beach or Robert Moses is the superior summer spot, but our devotion to bagels is eternal. If this cartoon proves anything, it’s that while the LIE may test our patience, it will never take away our bagel pride.
So next time you're stuck in traffic, don’t get angry. Roll down your window, shout out your bagel preference, and prepare for the greatest bagel debate of all time.
Just don’t expect to move anytime soon.