"When a person is born, - we rejoice; When they are married - we celebrate; When they die, - we pretend nothing happened......." Margaret Mead I am certifiable but I'm not crazy: My husband is fond of telling his friends that I am "certifiable." The joke may be getting old but actually, he's right. I have all the credentials to prove it. I am, among other things, a Certified Bereavement Counselor. But my chief profession, goes back to the beginning of time and no it's not what you're thinking. I am a funeral director. I have found that I am better at helping other people in grief than helping myself when I lose someone close to me. No matter what knowledge or expertise we possess, when you lose a loved one, our world is turned upside down. Mine did. You may feel, as I did, that you are going crazy. You're not. Grief causes us to think, feel and behave differently than we would ordinarily. You Can't Escape It: A harsh reality - Once a person is born the only way out of this world is to die. Death touches every person, not just once in a lifetime, but many times. Our grandparents, parents, spouses, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, children and our friends die. We cannot escape the pain of loss. It is a major mistake to try to deny the feelings of emptiness and hurt that we feel, when someone we love has died. Death may force you to realize that for the first time in your life you have no control over what happens. This was extremely difficult for me, since I am a take charge type of person and accustomed to having control over my life, and the lives of others. WHY? Often after the death of a loved one we ask WHY ME? You might not say it, but you will probably think it - Why me ? I never did anything to anybody, I'm a good person. I never hurt anyone. Why not the rotten people in the world? Why did this happen to me? This is such a common reaction. We don't expect an answer, but the question "WHY?" seems to need to be asked repeatedly in an effort to make sense of the loss. The question may be unanswered, but it is important to ask the question until we can take the steps of letting the question go. WHY? is not really a question, but a cry of pain. I believe that death comes to everyone in an arbitrary way. I do not believe that people are singled out, or chosen for misfortune. After the death of a loved one, it is difficult to think that you will ever be happy again. You will have choices to make - to exist or to really live - to sit and grieve and to let your grief drag you down - or to try to rebuild your life. It will be different without your loved one, but life can be enjoyed again. It is important to seek meaning in living. GRIEF RUNS UNSCHEDULED: There is no timetable for grief. It is different for everyone. The depth, scope and duration of your grief depends on your relationship with the person who died, the support you receive, your personality and your ability to effectively work on your grief. The first year of bereavement brings raw pain, disbelief, the agony of reality and many other deep emotions. Grief has its common and unique sides. Everyone grieves differently, so don't compare yourself to others or place yourself on a timetable. Although it is a universal experience, no two people grieve the same, even in the same family. Grief is like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two are alike. Life is a process, nothing ever stays the same. You won't feel exactly the same next year as you feel today. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to the death of a loved one. Most of us are not prepared for the long journey of grief which is sometimes devastating, frightening and lonely. We may think, do and say things that are very unlike us. LAUGHTER AND TEARS: While you go through this journey of grief try to keep a sense of balance. Laughter and a sense of humor are important tools in handling your grief and maintaining your health. According to Norman Cousins laughter is a form of internal jogging. It moves the internal organs around and enhances respiration. (I don't know about you, but I still have a difficult time with this concept of my internal organs jogging! I can just picture my liver smacking into my gallbladder while saying, " Sorry, buddy, didn't mean to push you aside.") By the way, it's no fun thinking about my external organs jogging either! And don't forget along with laughter goes TEARS. Tears have a language all their own, a tongue that needs no interpreter. A few years ago I worked on the TWA Flight 800 air disaster. Despite all the different cultures and languages spoken by the families - tears needed no translator. There is a bond between grieving people that is like no other. Tears are not a luxury - they are a necessity. Sobbing is an outlet for the deep, strong emotions that accompany the death of a loved one. It is helpful to cry - to release all the pent up emotions. Cry alone or with others - but take time to cry. Grief has been likened to a raw open wound. With great care it will eventually heal, but there will always be a scar. Life will never be the same, but eventually you too will heal. The good days will outnumber the bad and you will smile and laugh again. Remember, Yesterday is the past. Tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift - that's why it's called THE PRESENT. I regret that I cannot answer your questions personally, but I will try to address those topics which you may inquire about in future updates. So send your inquiries to Leslielf2@aol.com Please mark your e-mail "experts" on the subject line.