How do you teach tolerance in a world that seems to support prejudice and bigotry? In principle, most of us would agree that we should teach our children at an early age to respect all people, no matter what their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, social or political status.
We state this principle, but too often we do not practice what we preach. If the truth be told, we practice selective tolerance. We are okay with tolerance as long as it does not threaten our comfort zone or force us to deal with issues that make us uncomfortable.
As a parent, how many conversations have you had with your son or daughter around the issue of tolerance and respect? Candidly, it is not enough to merely quote the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Unfortunately, in our world that is not enough.
There are times as parents where we must explain things that are painful and unfair - racism, sexism, stereotypes and downright hate.
Children are not born to hate or to be intolerant and disrespectful. They learn these behaviors and attitudes by what they see in us as adults, as parents.
In recent times, too often our schools and religious traditions have been silent or at least very quiet when it comes to issues of hate and intolerance.
Hate and intolerance wear many different faces. Too often as adults we hide behind rules and regulations and use them to justify our intolerance towards others.
When people express a different opinion than we hold, whether it is about the war, religion or the upcoming elections, our children sometimes hear us say very disrespectful things and prejudicial things. Too often we attack the person and not the issue. Children remember more than we might like.
Take a minute and think locally. Much is being said about the upcoming election. All the candidates are holding the banner of change and reform. However, if you look at their propaganda, you see there is little being said about the more complicated human issues that touch all of us where we live regardless of our political affiliations.
When we vote locally, what are we voting for? What do these candidates really stand for? Will they represent every voice within their jurisdiction, no matter what their socio-economic status?
Hopefully, whoever is elected or re-elected will develop a more humane agenda that reflects the needs of all people. Hopefully we who can and should vote will voice our concerns and not leave it for others to do. Our children will eventually mirror what they see.
This term I am teaching on two very different college campuses. In all of my social science classes, I asked those who are old enough to vote, if they were voting, if they knew who the candidates were and if they knew what the issues were.
Unfortunately, most were not voting in the local election because most were not registered to vote. When asked why, they reluctantly admitted that their parents did not vote locally, but just in the national elections.
We talked about their social responsibility. We talked about their need to register, to educate themselves on the issues and the candidates and then to vote responsibly regardless of party affiliation.
Hopefully, many of them will vote this November and also genuinely do their homework on the candidates and the issues.
As you continue to think locally, think about the level of respect and tolerance. Recently, I have heard local teenagers talking about the growing incidents of disrespect towards adults and their peers. Vulgar confrontations between teens and adults seem to be escalating.
Racial comments are being hurled in a number of different social circumstances. Racial tolerance for some seems okay when young people of color are contributing to sports and other extracurricular activities, but when it comes to dating and socializing, for some it becomes a problem.
Most of us would proclaim, "don't judge a book by its' cover." We would advocate, "get to know the soul of the person and not be distracted by their skin color or their social circumstance."
Unfortunately, too many of us do stereotype. As parents, we may not be blatant about it. However, the subtle biases are there. They really do confuse our children who are trying to be tolerant and respectful of difference.
How often I will hear a parent make a negative comment about a student who cannot live at home. This parent has never talked to the student. This parent does not know the student or his family.
However, the assumption is made that the student is at fault, that he or she is the reason that home is not a positive place to be.
My ongoing experience confirms a very different perspective. First and most importantly, we should not stereotype. We should not categorize any human being, especially based on past behavior. That kind of thinking limits the possibility of change.
Most young people, even broken and wounded ones, are resilient and capable of great change if given the right supports and opportunities.
Secondly, I am finding that more and more teenagers are being victimized in very unhealthy family situations. Some act out as their way of coping. Others totally break down. The common denominator is their family system is dysfunctional and is bordering on lethal.
The difficult aspect here is that the family presents like they are your average, happy household. Most would not suspect anything is wrong.
JC is seventeen. He is the oldest of three and the only boy. His parents are successful. They live in a nice community, which has a great school system.
His parents are involved in the community and are well respected. What few people know is that JC's father has a serious substance abuse problem that now includes cocaine. When he drinks and gets high, he becomes violent. It is contained in his home. The outside world does not have a clue. He mainly beats his wife and his son. His two younger children are girls. They run and hide when he goes on the warpath.
Awhile back JC decided he could not take it anymore. His father started beating on him and left him bruised. This time he fought back and gave his father a black eye. When he went to school, a teacher saw the bruise and reported it. After a CPS investigation was conducted, JC was removed from his home and an order of protection was issued for his protection.
This cycle of beating began when JC was twelve. Finally, at seventeen, it was broken. However, he is broken and has a chip on his shoulder. Because of that chip, some adults in his new community feel he is a "bad egg."
He is a good student and a great athlete. Yes, he needs a slight attitude adjustment. Remember he is the victim of an abusive father and our wrongful stereotyping.
